Skip to main content

Sick kids 101: How to spot a faker (and other nuggets of wisdom)

While we're on the topic of germs and illness (I'm still not fully over my cold...19 days later), I thought I'd tackle kiddie colds for a bit.

I've been asked to be part of an upcoming parenting panel for Canada AM exploring the dreaded "pukies". There's nothing more jarring to your mental routine that suddenly hearing, "Mom, I don't feel well".

I pride myself on a 0-1 absences per child per school-year record.  I have three boys - so the math is simple.  In general, my kids are healthy, but this stellar attendance record could only be achieved using my general rule of thumb:

"Unless you have a fever, or have fluids spewing from either end, you're going to school."
 
There is no grey area.  A common cold, or the sniffles do not lead to missed school. 

How to Spot a Faker:

This is easy using my fail-proof proprietary faker technique (PFT): if indeed a child is truly too sick to go to school, then they have to spend the day in their beds, resting and reading.  No devices, no TV.  Trust me, if a kid is REALLY under-the-weather, they want to spend the day in bed sleeping... A faker will usually get bored after about 20 minutes and beg you to go to school. No thermometer needed, only the Mom-ometer!  If they are well enough to traipse along merrily on errands with you, they're not sick!!!

How to make a sick kid feel better:

A truly sick kid will get well much faster with some deserved, over-the-top TLC.  Cuddles, back rubs, warm blankets fresh from the dryer, a popsicle or two and only speaking to them in a soft grandma-esque tone works wonders. Warning: depending on the kid, too much of this technique may lead to a "faker"...in which case you employ the above mentioned technique. 

Tips for dealing with puke:
If the illness is of the explosive projectile variety, that's where I usually bail and call in reinforcements (my husband).  Despite how vile, disgusting and gross it can be, there is a definite puke-plan readiness kit in place at our house. 

If it's vomit we're ready, if it's an earthquake or flash-flooding, we're screwed.  

As soon as someone skips a meal (that's clue 1) or mutters weakly, "my tummy hurts" (clue 2), we spring into action and do the following: get plastic mattress protector on bed (a smarter person would invest in 1 per kid's bed on a permanent basis), cover upper third of bed in towels, remove all duvets/quilts, wrap pillow in double layer of towels, find friendly looking receptacle (i.e. not an icky, smelly, dirt-stained garbage pail - that would make a healthy person sick to look at) and place on bedside table, walk child through the "run-to-the-toilet" technique as first course of action. 

When the upchucking occurs, it is imperative that you react overly calm and relaxed as you deal with it (like you're just tying a shoelace or playing chess...no biggie), otherwise the kid might panic and burst into a gagging, coughing, crying frenzy - thus leading to more vomiting.  Clean the mess quickly, have them brush their teeth, sip a tiny bit of water and go back to resting.  Repeat this process as often as necessary until puking ceases. 

Whatever you do, do not entertain the idea that all of those smelly, pungent vomit germs may have invaded their way into your fragile system - the thought alone could lead to phantom gagging in parents...which only doubles everyone's misery. 

Ferris Bueller would have never stayed home using my techniques


What's your technique??

Comments

  1. When my child starts to complain of tummy trouble, I give him a bucket to carry around. This is the vomit bucket and it is always put away in the same place and used for the same purpose. My child sleeps in a loft bed so I do not even let him sleep in his bed but rather he camps out on the floor that is covered with water resistant mattress pads and towels. Usually, he winds up spending the night in the bathroom anyway.

    Kirk White @ Med Care Pediatric

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mom's Day: Our one day off and we still end up working

One of my absolute favourite Mother's Day cards can be found on the internet - it shows a woman applying to "Motherhood Inc." and she's reading through the employment contract - "One vacation day a year?!  That's all I get?!" she proclaims.  "We call it Mother's Day but technically you still have to work" says the interviewer.  So true. Every card a Mom gets on Mother's Day preaches the same utopic nonsense - advising Moms to "relax", "kick back", "pamper yourself"...  These cards are typically all written by men.  Have you ever noticed that men have no problem treating themselves to a full day with legs up, beverage in hand and mind empty of thoughts?  They don't even need it to be Father's Day!  It can just be any ol' Wednesday....sadly sometimes, the occasional deadbeat Dad will try and pull this stunt on Mother's Day - not cool.  Men are intrinsically wired to "unwind and chil

The Hottest Hire: Moms!

How staying at home to raise my kids lead to  more  work opportunities and the confidence to take them on. It's one of the biggest issues facing new Moms - the question of whether to put off a career in order to stay home raising our babies full-time, or whether to go back to work and focus on advancing our careers while we can. Historically, there's always been this perception that leaving the workforce during our prime earning years will severely hamstring our earning potential and career options later on. It's one of the most intensely difficult decisions women make - and is based on an outdated premise that one cannot start a robust, exciting, fulfilling and high-earning career at any stage in our lives. I remember feeling the intense scrutiny and judgment of working Moms when I opted to be a stay-at-home parent in those early years of my kids lives (I have three boys). There was an underlying assumption that I had chosen cookie baking, daytime television watch

Lipstick and hockey sticks: A girly Mom's guide to faking your way through kids hockey season

It's not easy being a skirt in a home chalk-full of rancid jocks.  But I've managed to get by.  You see, as the lone double X in a chromosomal pool of 4 XYs (5 if I include the dog), my interests in home decor, Fall fashions, beach-wave hair and pedis get buried somewhere underneath a pile of mismatched tube-socks, baseball gloves, goalie pads and Under Armour everything.  Don't get me wrong, I love being active.  I'm a daily exerciser, I enjoy 9-holes of golf and just finished up another summer season on a ladies ball-hockey team - and I literally still have no idea what the rules are (icing to me means confectioners sugar, butter and milk). I do my best at faking my way through "sporty" - just as Brittany Spears fakes her way through "talented" and "singing".  Pretending to love sports gives me a valid excuse to get out of the house for an hour each week to pursue an activity that my kids might actually care to inquire about.  "