Monday, November 17, 2014

Kasie gets all domestic and crafty on you...

 
I'd like to interrupt my regularly scheduled blogging and introduce you to my Christmas crafty side!!  Now before you click the "X" at the top of the browser and shut me down, let me tell you that my "craftiness" is not Martha Stewart's "craftiness".  The difference being that my crafts could easily be produced by a drunken chimpanzee with no thumbs...or fingers.  Trust me- I only do easy.  So read on... 

View my segment from Canada AM!

ADVENT CALENDARS: 25 more reasons to love Christmas!!!

Remember what it was like to be a kid with an Advent calendar?  It was the ultimate psychological test for delayed gratification.  And I always....failed.  As soon as Mom turned her back I'd MacGyver open those little perforated windows and lick every single cheap rubbery chocolate in that thing...twice.  Then I'd carefully reposition each perforation to make it look like it was sealed shut.  I did this daily...twice daily...until only miniature brownish nubs were left.  My little brother, who had the ultimate in kiddie self-control,  to this day, believes that Advent calendars contain mouse-poop sized chocolate peas (heeheehee....sucker).

Now that I'm grown-up and sooooo much more mature (pronounced ma-too-re), with kiddies of my own, it's time to expand upon the same ol' chocolate window thingie and get creative.  Here's what I featured today on CTV's Canada AM, along with some pics and links so that you and yours can enjoy the excitement of counting the days until the big guy visits with gifts.  Most are bought, some are made, all are incredibly creative and F-U-N!!

Enjoy the merriment!!  Oh- and if you make my crafts, let me know how simple and easy it really was!! 

LAURA SECORD
Advent Calendar
$9.95
 
KINDER
$12
 
HALLMARK
Countdown to Christmas Advent Calendar
Make the holiday countdown extra fun with this interactive Christmas tree. Spin the wheels behind the tree to show the days until Christmas, and change out the tree's ornaments anytime you want to give it a festive new look.
Experience even more Northpole magic.
• Family can count down the days until Christmas in a merry and bright way each day.
• Cardstock countdown calendar shaped like a Christmas tree.
• Movable round openings can turn to reveal the number of days left until Christmas.
• Tabletop decoration and calendar.
• 8.125" W x 10.625" H x 0.5" D
$12.95
 
MELISSA & DOUG
Countdown to Christmas – Wooden Advent Calendar

Add some kid-friendly holiday cheer and a charming yuletide ritual to your home with this wooden magnetic holiday tree. The set includes 24 unique magnetic ornaments plus a shining star for Christmas day--all of which fit neatly in the attached box at the base of the tree. Kids can pick a favorite design to place on the tree each day, following the numbered outlines to fill the tree right up to Christmas. They'll also love to switch, move and rearrange the pieces to customize their very own tree countless times.
$24.99
 
LEGO FRIENDS ADVENT CALENDAR
Count down to a LEGO® Friends Christmas this December! Build the holiday story as you follow Mia on a sledding adventure! Spot the wildlife in the forest on the way to her friend Ewa’s house. Help them prepare a delicious Christmas dinner and then share in the excitement as they open all their presents!
Includes Mia and Ewa mini-doll figures with 24 buildable surprises in a calendar with 24 secret compartments.
Makes a great gift for young builders!
Contains 228 pieces.
$39.99
 
PLAYMOBILE ADVENT CALENDAR SANTAS WORKSHOPHelp Santa assemble all the Christmas gifts as he makes his list and checks it twice! The Santa’s Workshop Advent Calendar contains twenty-four items for each day of Advent to form a gift that will keep on giving long after the holidays have passed.
Includes Santa figure, two elves, one angel, reindeer with sleigh, gifts, assorted toys, wheelbarrow, basket, and additional accessories to build a compete Santa’s Workshop.
$28.99


 
 
DAVID’S TEA
24 Days of Tea
Count down the days with this tea-filled advent calendar. Each day is a new surprise with a selection of teas from the year round favourites, with new and returning holiday blends. Holiday blends include Eggnog, Sleigh Ride and Santa’s Secret. 24 days, 24 different teas!
$34.50
THE BODY SHOP
Beauty Advent CalendarCountdown to Christmas in skin-loving style with The Body Shop’s Beauty Advent Calendar. This extra-special treat features a beauty surprise behind every door, from best-selling body and face care to iconic fragrance, plus our latest additions: Glazed Apple, Wild Argan Oil and Colour Crush™ Nail Colours. Make it holiday every day!
$50.00

BENEFIT COSMETICS
Advent Calendar
A limited-edition, holiday advent calendar filled with 24 mini beauty essentials.
Get a beauty surprise everyday with this holiday countdown. Each day, open the sweet shop doors to reveal a Benefit bestseller or surprise gift. Keep it for yourself, or give it to a fellow beauty addict.
This set contains:
- 0.25 oz “That gal” brightening face primer
- 0.25 oz the POREfessional pore minimizer
- 0.08 oz Benetint cheek and lip stain in Rose
- 0.08 oz High beam liquid highlighter
- 0.08 oz Chachatint lip and cheek stain in Sheer Mango
- 0.08 oz Posietint lip and cheek stain in Poppy Pink
- 0.04 oz Stay flawless foundation primer
- 0.1 oz They’re real! mascara
- 0.22 oz Ultra plush lip gloss in Dandelion
- 0.22 oz Ultra plush lip gloss in A-lister
- 0.22 oz Ultra plush lip gloss in Fauxmance
- 0.14 oz BADgal lash mascara
- 0.08 oz Stay don’t stray concealer and eye shadow primer in Light/Medium
- 0.1 oz Fakeup concealer in 02 Medium
- 0.1 oz It’s potent! eye cream
- 0.3 oz Total moisture facial cream
- 0.08 oz Ooh la lift eye cream
- 0.08 oz Watt’s up! highlighter
- Beauty sticky notes
- Doodle pad
- Heart-shaped paperclips
- Pinky, polka-dot hair tie
- Elastic hair band with bow charm
- Metallic silvery hair tie
$119
Kasie’s Homemade Advent Calendars
Good Cheer Advent Calendar
This easy-to-make creative project cost a whopping $6 for supplies at the local dollar-store (the branches came from the backyard).  It's fun for all ages and a great way to gather the family together to work on something that promotes caring and sharing this Christmas season.  On the reverse of each snowman or gingerbread man, is an idea or task for each day leading up to Christmas.  Ideas like, "Bake cookies and deliver to a neighbour", "Make a brother's bed", "Shovel someone's driveway", "Watch a holiday movie together", "Deliver food to the food bank", "Call an old friend"...  Simple, easy and definitely focuses on giving, rather than receiving.

25 Days of Care Package
For anyone who's living away this season, a great idea that's sure to bring 25 days of smiles to anyone's face, is to fill a box (something you can easily ship) with goodies and little gifts for each day leading up to Christmas.  For a female University student for example, the box I packed is filled with little dollar-store boxes containing $5 or $10 gift cards for their fave fro-yo and coffee shops, nail polish, gum, toiletries, homemade goodies, stamps (ahem, mail Mom a letter - retro style!), etc...  This is a great way to bring the holidays home and reduce holiday home-sickness.

 
 
"Wine not" Advent Calendar
For the oenophile in your life (or the house that hosts a ton of Christmas parties), fill a wine rack with 24 crowd pleasing bottles and "cheers!" your way to the 25th one sweet sip at a time. 
1. Jackson-Triggs Entourage Brut Niagara – 2011 – toasting or cocktails
2. Jackson-Triggs Entourage Merlot Sparkling (Select Wine Rack stores, Winery & Online) Niagara – 2012 –aperitif, Cocktails, Dessert
3.  Inniskillin Sparkling Icewine Cabernet Franc – 2012 (Winery & Online) Niagara – Christmas Eve –w/ cheese – special to share with close family
4.  Inniskillin Pinot Noir Rose – 2013 –gift wrapping wine
5.  Jackson-Triggs Grand Reserve Riesling – 2013 – crowd pleaser
6.  Jackson-Triggs Gewurtztraminer 2012 – turkey wine
7.  Inniskillin Reserve Riesling – 2013 – bring to a potluck
8.  Jackson-Triggs Reserve Shiraz-Cabernet – 2013 – post-shopping wine
9.  Inniskillin Estate Series Chardonnay – 2012 – watching Christmas movies with popcorn
10.  Jackson-Triggs Grand Reserve Shiraz – 2012 – post skating party
11.  Jackson-Triggs Grand Reserve Pinot Noir – 2013 – Christmas dinner
12.  Jackson-Triggs Grand Reserve Red Meritage – 2012 – a Christmas roast
13.  Inniskillin Reserve Merlot – 2012 –last minute guests
14.  Inniskillin Single-Vineyard Series Montague Vineyard Chardonnay – 2013 - Gift To Your Boss
15.  Delaine by Jackson-Triggs Chardonnay – 2012 – bring to your cookie exchange
16.  Inniskillin Estate Series Late Autumn Riesling – 2013 – crowd pleaser
17.  Inniskillin Estate Series Merlot – 2010 – tree trimming
18.  Inniskillin Discovery Series P3 (Pinot Gris-Pinot Blanc-Pinot Noir Blend) (Select Wine Rack stores, Winery & Online) – 2013 – Leave a glass for Santa (it’s his favourite!)
19.  Jackson-Triggs Grand Reserve Chardonnay – 2013 – Cooking Christmas dinner
20.  Inniskillin Reserve Series Shiraz-Cabernet – 2012 – cold weather warm up
21.  Inniskillin Discovery Series Chenin Blanc – Okanagan – 2012 – baking Christmas goodies
22. Sunrock by Jackson-Triggs Okanagan Shiraz – 2011 – roasting by the fire
23. Inniskillin Okanagan Discovery Series Zinfandel 2011 – catching up with old friends
24. Inniskillin Niagara Cabernet Franc Icewine 2012 – a gift for yourself
 
 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Oprah's Next Chapter: The untold story of Kasie Savage (definitely untold by Oprah)...


Well after 4 glorious weeks living la vida loca, I can say with 100% certainty that I am now bored senseless.  I actually got excited today when a telemarketer from Karachi called:

"Fred" with thick accent: "Hello m'am (I hate 'm'am' by the way), how are you today?  I'm calling from Quality Duct Cleaning..."
Me: (Yay!!  A well-mannered gentleman who cares about the air quality of my home and the cleanliness of my ducts) "Go on sir, I'm listening..."

I didn't really want my ducts cleaned, but I was interested in hearing a great and compelling sales pitch.  You see, I really miss using my gift-for-the-gab to entice others into buying whatever it is I sold in my former life as a home shopping expert and Host.  It's certainly a specialized field and I could always boast, "that I'm only 1 of 13 people in the entire country doing this job!"

So how did this career in TV start?  People often ask...(if you didn't, too bad, now you're stuck hearing it).

Going back in time, I remember being interviewed in grade five by CTV News (CFCF 12) in Montreal.  They were doing a segment called "The Achievers" and had just featured famed hockey legend Jean Beliveau.  They reached out to our school Principal in search of a confident, witty, chatty 10-year old (aka, motor-mouth with adult teeth) who could speak to what it means to be "an achiever".  After I was selected (obviously!) I tightened my side-pony, got comfy and gave them the clip they yearned for...and about another 35-minutes of blithering on tape that they immediately tossed into the nearest trash once I pranced off, beaming with pride.  I remember the audio guy, drenched in sweat, holding a long weighted boom mic, clutching his quivering arm and begging for mercy, "Please kid....enough...my arm's flippin' killing me here." Yes, I Kasie, was going to take this talent to the people...  Someone get me a Sonycam, a tripod and oodles of VHS tapes...

Telling my parents that I was going to be on TV "when I grow up" was as warmly encouraged as bringing home a head-full of lice eggs.  "Sure dear....whatever....please stay in advanced math and sciences...(look of skepticism)...just in case you grow up and want a real job...that pays."

Well I showed them.  After graduating from Ryerson University's Radio and Television Arts program (with a minor in Science and Math), I immediately busted my hump working anywhere and everywhere that had TV cameras.  My first actual salary came from CityTV.  I earned a whopping $24,000/year at their retail outlet desperately hoping that Jeannie Beker, or MuchMusic's George Stroumboulolopoulopoupoulous, or even Ed the Sock would discover me.  I am not too proud to admit that I soon-after was tasked with a very high-profile gig as the lead hot-tub filler (a volunteer job FYI) on the very low-profile Ed the Sock show.  I guess that Jeannie and George just didn't recognize raw talent quite yet...  I eventually moved on to a job in marketing and advertising that provided me with immeasurable office skills and business acumen (picture the show The Office, but funnier) - oh, and it also paid my rent and the once-a-week oil top-ups that my 1988 (this was 2001) Pontiac Sundance required due to a less then stellar engine rust-out.  During my lunch break I pre-taped clips for a show that I co-hosted called, Our Town (that could have also been called Nobody's Watching).  After work, I volunteered as a reporter for Rogers TV (where I reported that the viewership of Our Town was at an all-time low...huge thank you to Mable Fitzsimmons for watching with devotion by the way).  All-in-all, between CTV, Rogers and CBC, I might be the most prolific get-me-in-the-door TV volunteer of all time.  Dozens of shows, countless TV specials, special appearances, and then of course eventually, product expert on TSC for 12 years and most recently, Host. 

So, now that time is once again on my side, what's next?  Well, I've always wanted to take sewing lessons, or equestrian...or model railroad.  Who knows.  But just in case I can get my foot back in the door on TV sometime soon, just remember, you knew me when....

Love getting your emails and comments by the way....

Thursday, October 2, 2014

I'm back: Memoirs of my prime earning year (singular)

Inhale.  Ahhhh....you smell that my friends?  It's the sweet, sweet smell of freedom, possibility, opportunity, comfy clothes, ponytails, home-cookin', clean kids and perfectly seasonal urns... Yes, it's the bittersweet stench of unemployment.  That's right, after 15 plum months in a cushy, high-stress, 3" heels, latte-drinking management role, I was recently "exited" due to "restructuring" (read: canned). 

Here's my story for all of you at-home Moms who have ever wondered just how green the grass is in the 25 square-feet of corporately-assigned cubicle space you've fantasized about occupying whilst being pummeled upside the head by an errant soccer ball at the playground...  It's a cautionary tale for the ages.

Let's take a little step back in time for a sec, to remind you that prior to June 2013, I was a contentedly busy at-home Mom, part-time freelance TV product expert, occasional community volunteer and full-time nag to my husband.  Then opportunity came a-knocking: the chance to jump the rungs of the business-world and (gasp!!) oversee an entire department!!  "These are your prime earning years", corporate Mom-friends cautioned me with bewilderment in their eyes as I mulled it over.  I mean seriously, who could say no?  What's there to think about?  It was an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime chance to prove to myself and all those navy-suited go-getter Moms with Nannies, that I could, if I wanted to, enter the workforce and succeed, whenever I wanted to.  And so it began...

First came all the lifestyle changes:

At-Home Kasie                                  Working Kasie
Home cooked meals                            Longos meal-deals
Maintained property                           The Gardener
Cleaned the home                               Belinda
Saw kids onto school bus                   Saw raccoons on road at 5:45am from my car
Oversaw homework                           Paid sitter to oversee homework
Kids 80% Work 20%                         Work 80% Kids 20%                          
Fit                                                       Those pants used to fit...
Desperate for adult conversation       Chatted daily with celebs and inventors
Cat puked on carpet                           Walked red carpet
Felt unimportant                                Management!
Felt unappreciated                             Management!!
Felt financially impotent                   Management!!!
Full make-up                                     Full make-up
Styled hair                                         Styled hair

Okay, so some things remained the same, but overall, it was a major seismic shift and I'm not gonna lie, I LOVED it!!  Having the "I worked all day" excuse to not pick up the slack around the home was terrific!  Plus, compared to being at home all day with the kids, work was easy!!  Get this - I even had one whole hour at lunch, to eat in peace and amazingly, I didn't have to wipe anyone's face afterwards (although that guy from IT with the perma-stubble always had bagel crumbs on his).  And, people treated me differently.  Suddenly, I was more interesting in conversations...had more to contribute.  People wanted to know all about my day, whereas I don't recall anybody every excitedly asking me about my trip grocery shopping or pizza-lunch volunteering, or grass-cutting.  Being a working-woman put me on the map as far as family pride was concerned.  Telling their friends that "Kasie works on TV" elicited the same reaction as "She married a Royal!" would have had with senior citizens (at least 2 seniors btw think I did marry a Royal). Every day in the office proved more and more challenging as my work-life balance slid as steadily downhill as a chubby kid on a crazy-carpet down glare ice (I can make chubby jokes because one of my kids is sort of chubby).  If I had a nickel for every time I feverishly-typed a work email on my iPhone at 8pm only to snap at my kids, "not now...I'm busy", I'd be rich!  Sadly, all those nickels didn't do much to easy the guilt I felt for always having to put work first - and I did have to.  I managed a team that worked 18-hours/day, 7 days/week, 364 days/year...no time for family! or vacations! or the stench of my own b.o.!  Speaking of which, all this stress led to quite a lot of sweating at work...not much airflow in 25 square-feet of office space it seems.

So, when those fateful words made their way out of management's lips and across the desk to my disbelieving ears a mere 15 months after I was hired, "you are no longer employed here", a part of me wilted and died, but right there below the surface (under my concealer, foundation and 4-in-1 pressed powder) I could feel a ray of relief.  I cried.  A lot.  Then I had too much wine.  Then I took a deep breath, two Advil and set aside my pride to tell the kids.  Yes, even grown-ups sometimes don't succeed, and fall down and get hurt too.  And it sucks, so badly!!!  My youngest who's seven, flung open the covers on his bed and tapped the sheets gesturing for me to get in.  He wrapped his soft little arms around me (kid comforting parent for a change) and said, "Mom, does this mean you can serve pizza-lunch at my school again?"

Sometimes in life, it's that little slice of the (pizza) pie that holds more importance than any title, cubicle size or any walk down a red carpet could ever provide. 

As for me, I'll be back in action, freelancing, doing what I love (like writing!!), on my terms, again soon.  In the meantime, I hope that whatever it is that you're doing in life, it feels right and works for you - because the biggest paycheque of all is happiness.

                                               
Working Kasie would hate the above misalignment...
at-home Kasie is cool with it.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Wrapping my kids in a high-tech bubble

This past summer, a friend who was growing veggies in her garden, had a cucumber plant that she was harvesting with her two young boys.  Her 6-year old son, upon plucking a large cucumber from the vine asked, "Mom, is this the world's largest cucumber?" My friend, seizing on a potential educational moment replied, "I don't know- let's go inside and google images of big cucumbers". I think you Internet savvy people can guess what happened next...and it did not involve pics of  veggies!



Maybe because I studied the media in University, or maybe because I work in it today, I am extra cautious when it comes to TV and Internet with my kids.  Amazingly, they have never watched any prime-time sitcoms, are blissfully unaware of reality television and have never surfed the Internet freely without supervision (at least not on my watch).  We have a PVR and they watch shows that we have chosen for them to watch, with the freedom to tune-in anytime to channel 810, Oasis HD- nothing brings a kid down from hyperactivity like a documentary on the desperate plight of the rare Albino Rhino!

This past Christmas, as we wrapped gift after gift of lame, un-fun (i.e. educational) toys, my husband cracked.  "That's it!" he cried.  "Can't these kids get even one cool gift for once- instead of this boring crap?" The next day, he went out and finally fulfilled my eldest son's long-standing desire to be like "everyone else at school!!!!" He purchased an iPod Touch.  Christmas morning, when my son unwrapped that little package of endless possibilities, his eyes were alight with excitement and appreciation.  He jumped up and down, he beamed from ear-to-ear, he hugged us continuously and then he turned it on and....(insert record scratch)- bust.  "Mom, why don't I have Safari?  Where's Twitter?  Where's Facebook? Where did the App Store go?  Why are there no songs? Why is this iPod missing all the cool stuff??"

Well, to bottom-line it for you, I removed all of the cool stuff- all of it.  There is NO WAY my 9-year old is going to be huddled up in his room, surfing the net (is "surfing the net" a term we still use? I'm so not down with the times), looking at who-knows-what, chatting to who-knows-who...downloading god-knows-what...NO WAY!!  If he wants a song, or an app, or supervised Internet access, he has to go through me to get it.  Essentially, I have dialed-down the fun-factor of the iPod Touch so that he has a $200 date and time display. 

These are scary times for our kids- they are just one click away on a remote control or computer from seeing revolting, violent, inappropriate things I cannot even fathom!!  Back in my day, all we had were some old back issues of National Geographic...and seeing long, droopy boobs on an indigenous person does not keep you coming back for more!  I know that in a couple of years, no matter how I try, he will likely see all sorts of bad things, probably through friends with older brothers (damn you older brothers of friends!!), or watch unsupervised when I leave the house.  For now, is it so wrong to wrap kids up in a cyber bubble and listen to them complain about my being a mean and oh-so-lame Mom?  I don't think so.  I wear my Lame-Mom badge with pride and until the day they can finally outwit me, I will endeavor to stay two steps ahead of them.  I should have bought the web domain:  www.lamemom.com but it's already taken...and it likely leads to a site with prancing, nude older women, goats and jell-o!!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Smart and Snazzy DIY Xmas Crafts- sure to impress your friends!!

As you may well know, I fancy myself quite the little Martha.  Pop over anytime and you'll find DIM (Did It Myself) artwork, DIM draperies, DIM vinyl lettering, DIM floral arrangments, DIM treats, etc...  Upon a second glance, I'm not sure how fond I am of this "DIM" acronym...sounds a bit blond-joke-waiting-to-happen.  No matter, the point is that I enjoy crafty projects and I thought that I would share two of my new holiday faves: Felted Sweater Stockings and the No-Sew Felt Tree Skirt.  Here are directions for both and some pics are to follow once I cut down my fresh pine- another DIM!  The stockings idea came about after I accidentally shrunk the bejeezers out of one of my husband's nice wool sweaters!  Oh well!  Better to re-purpose than throw out!

Enjoy and Merry Christmas!

_______________________________________________________________________


Easy Felted Christmas Stockings

Supplies:

100% Wool, thrift store sweaters (1 per stocking)

Dollar-store stocking for template

Fabric scissors

Pins

Needle and coordinating thread or sewing-machine

Decorative accessories (buttons, broaches, ribbons, appliqués, etc...)


Directions:

1.       Wash all sweaters in hot water in your washing machine.  Tumble dry on high heat.  This will felt the sweaters making them easy to cut without fraying or unravelling.

2.      Lay sweaters out and pin dollar-store stocking to the front or back of the sweater to hold in place.  This will create your cutting template.

3.      Cut along the outside of the dollar-store stocking through both sides of the sweater.  Once fully cut, remove the pins and voila- your felted stocking shape is revealed.  

4.      Flip the two felted pieces so that they are inside out and pin along the edges to secure, leaving the top of the stocking open.

5.      Using a needle and thread or a sewing-machine, sew along the outside of the stocking to secure the two pieces together.

6.      Once sewn, turn the stocking right-side out and voila!  It is now yours to decorate.  Use your imagination to create unique personalized designs, embellish with ribbons, feathers or ornaments and have fun!


Easy No-Sew Christmas Tree Skirt

Supplies: 

1, 60” square of felt from a fabric store, any colour you desire

Fabric shears or sharp scissors of any kind

Pinking shears

Piece of string with paper clip on one end and chalk fastened to other

Optional decorative items such as ribbon, appliqués, etc... 

Directions:

1.      Laying out the square piece of felt on a flat surface, fold corner to corner into a triangle once, and then corner to corner again into a second triangle.  It should now look like a cone.

2.      Take your piece of string and measure it out so that it runs from the tip of the felt triangle down to the bottom on the triangle, in a straight line.  This will be your compass for creating the perfect rounded circle edge.

3.      Fasten the string using a paperclip to the tip of the triangle and secure the piece of chalk to the other end by tying the string around it.  Now, like a pendulum, swing the chalk along to each side creating a perfect arc shape.  This will be your cutting guide.

4.      You need a hole for the trunk, so trace a half moon at the tip of the triangle and cut along to open up that end.  About 2-3” from the tip is plenty.

5.      Now you need to have one side opened up to get it around the tree.  From the tip where you just removed fabric, cut along one side of the closed off fabric triangle (watch out not to cut through both layers).  Now you’re done!  Open it up and take a look.

6.      Use the pinking shears to re-cut along all edges just to make them look a little prettier.

7.      Using fabric shears, cut small holes along the open back and add ribbon so that you can hold it together under the tree. 

8.      Add your own special touches and decorations to the skirt to make it your own.  Add plenty of pizzazz keeping in mind, that it will be the showpiece under the tree until Santa arrives with gifts! Watch my Canada AM segment on this DIY!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Duggar for a day: the experiment

My boys are good boys...most of the time.  But there are days (we all have them) when I am a mere mouse-click away from posting their pics and profiles on Ebay and auctioning them off to the first nut-job bidder.  To quell my rage and seek advice,  I used to turn to parenting books for solace, guidance and reassurance.  But as I've grown older and lazier,  I have come to realise that reading books requires effort, proper lighting and two hands to hold the book- difficult to do with an aquarium-sized glass of Sauvignon Blanc in my left...and the classy box it dispenses from in my right.  So alas, I have come to rely on the ever-dependable and always hands-free reality television as my guide to becoming a better Mom.  More specifically, I am a disciple of everyone's favourite reproductive dynamos, the Duggars from good ol' Arkansas (as seen 24/7 on TLC).
First off, let's just take Jim-Bob Duggar right out of this discussion, because I think it is pretty obvious that apart from some great swimmers below the belt and the world's most awesome side-part, his contribution to a household with 19 kids is pretty weak.  But Michelle Duggar- holy crow!!  How does this lady survive daily life with all those kids and all those meals and all that laundry and after all those pregnancies...? To her I say, "Madame, you are amazing-  a true heroine of domesticity and childrearing...and also, I completely get why you only wear denim muumuus...because I know what my gut looks like after only three kids...two words: cottage cheese!"

A few days ago, I watched as Michelle, my heroine, wrangled her litter of J-named tots, tykes, tweens and teens into a van so ridiculously large, it could legally be considered a locomotive.  As the camera zoomed in on the clean, neatly-combed and smiling faces of all 19 kids, eagerly hopping aboard,  I flashedback to my most recent trip to a local Tim Hortons for an extra-large double-double and three Timbits.  The boarding of my bus, was not as smooth.  There I sat in the driver's seat, honking impatiently in the confines of my hot, smelly garage whilst my three non J-named spawns crammed through the door fighting over who was going to sit where.  Yelling, pushing, shoeless, bed-headed... What's her secret?  She makes it look so easy!!

This past Tuesday, I thought it would be pretty neat if I channeled my inner-Michelle and really tried to become her- in the physical sense.  Just maybe, the parenting prophecies that she preaches would come more naturally to me if I looked the part.  Now as you know, Michelle Duggar does not wear makeup.  As you may also know, I have never (and I mean NEVER) NOT worn makeup.  I put on extra makeup in labour so that my baby birth pics would look good.  So I knew that this first part of the transformation was going to be tough. But as luck would have it, I was getting a facial at the local spa once the kids got on the bus (sorry- not doing the home-schooling- no way!) so that could be my fresh start from there.  At 11am, cleansed, pores exposed to the world, my facial skin made its debut in town as I drove home, visor flipped down and oversized sunglasses shielding my insecurities from the world (or more like the six random strangers my van passed on my route home).  Once back on the homestead I thought, "What next?  What would Michelle do after her facial?" It is then that I went upstairs to search for some homemade, loose-fitting, unflattering jean dress with built-in dickie for added modesty.  The closest thing I could find was a factory-made pair of designer denim jeans and a form-fitting top, for those with no modesty.  As I quickly dusted my face with mineral makeup I thought, "Wow- this assignment is tough".  But come on, how can one's appearance alter their parenting?  The secret I realised must be in her sweet-as-sugar, soft, whispery voice.  She never raises her voice- ever!  She's always talking as if she's just kissed a baby..and chances are, she has.  When the kids arrived off the bus, I greeted them with just such a voice.  "Welcome home my darlings," I whispered with a smile as they completely ignored me and barged through the door, pillaging the cupboards for food. 

Well, I'm no quitter!  Tomorrow is another day for TV, wine and more Michelle!  If she can make it look easy, well then...what the heck's wrong with the rest of us?

 

Monday, April 23, 2012

I'll show you a "Real Housewife"!

Maybe it's the full moon, maybe it's hormones, maybe I'm feeling just a bit bitchy today...but you know what?  I am sick to death with the surge in popularity and constant pop-culture bombardment of these ridiculous "Real Housewives" shows.  Um, hello ladies?  Have you looked in the mirror lately?  You are not a friggin' housewife!  You are a wife...with a house (albeit a monstrous mansion)...that's pretty much it.  House + Wife does NOT = Housewife!  Half the time, you're somebody's ex-wife...so you should not even be allowed on the show to begin with.  And do not even go there on the "Real" descriptive in the show title.  Unless the word "Real" is a euphemism for real...ly good plastic surgery, I do not think "Real" is the term I'd use to describe these ladies. 
Correction:  Oh wait, further research yields a legal clause in the network's fine print telling me that the term "Real" may indeed be applied to a physically altered person insofar as a minimum of 50% of their internal organs and 40% of their earlobes remain untouched by a scalpel.  Well, I stand corrected then.

Right now you may be wondering what gives me the right to criticize and judge a bunch of women I have never before met, who are on TV, doing their darnedest to show the world what it is to be a humble housewife...  Well, to you I scream angrily, because I am a REAL, REAL HOUSEWIFE!! 

Now that that has been established, why then is nobody lining up at my door with a digital camcorder and a sound crew?  Because the truth is, we'd much rather watch a woman pumped so full of Botox that rats drop dead at her scent, then watch me narrowly pinching away at a blackhead on my chin using a teaspoon as a mirror.  We prefer watching women sip Champagne whilst trying on sexy pumps in a Manolo Blahnik boutique than watch me wrestle my gnarled toes into an ill fitting pair of flats on a clearance rack at Winners!  The Real Housewives of Vancouver lay out architectural plans for their ocean-front playgrounds.  The real housewives I know lay out plans to finally scrape up the week-old cat puke from the front hall rug.  Does anyone truly want to see real life?  No!  Not even the housewives on my street want to watch a show about actual housewives.  We live it- we don't need to watch it unfold in our spare time. 

DAYDREAMING INTERLUDE:
Brad:  Kas, what are you watching?
Me: Oh, just an awesomely interesting show about housewives like myself!  Quiet!  Sue is about to do another load of laundry...no...lookout...a white blouse got tossed in with the darks...ohhhhh...this is going to be a nail biter....
"What is she doing?  Is that cat puke?  Ewww...she is so not a real housewife!"
Ok, now that I am thoroughly depressed, I'd better get off this Blog.  Fictitious Sue from my daydream just reminded me that I have the duties of housewifery that await...  Laundry, then mopping, then meal prep, then cat puke removal...then LBBDU (Little Boy Bathroom De-Urinization) to the uninitiated.   Maybe I should video it and post it as a "REAL, REAL HOUSEWIVES" show.  Would you watch?  I'll take your silence as a NO!