What would I rather do than wear a bathing suit in public?
I would rather have day-long dental surgery without anesthetic.
I would rather have a pap-smear from a swarthy looking male medical student on day 1 of his residency.
I would rather clean up stomach-flu from an airport washroom.
I think you get the point. I would rather do anything than expose my white, pasty, thrice-pregnant, veiny, Mom-bod in public, whilst wearing what amounts to a spandex bra and undies. Ewww. I just threw-up in my mouth thinking about it. There's nothing worse for many of us, than bathing suit season. Thank god I don't live in a tropical country. In fact, one quick search on Ancestry.com reveals that I descend from a long-line of insufferable female prudes who migrated further and further north over the centuries in search colder climes where head-to-toe apparel was required for at least 10 months of the year. Don't even get me started on shorts! Anyway, I digress...
My swimsuit phobias began somewhere around age 10 when a girl begins to realize that soon she will become a woman. Insecurities and self-awareness burst on the scene faster than Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch doing back-flips in a music video. I had a new above-ground pool with a strategically tiered deck that gave the illusion of an in-ground pool, yet still 6 feet above ground so all surrounding neighbours could see. It was my summer playground. I also had a white (emphasis on the white) Tweety Bird bathing suit, one-piece, full coverage...or so it seemed when the fabric was dry... I think you know where this story ends and it's pretty transparent (pun fully intended). Lesson: Never buy, wear or support any company that manufactures white bathing suits...cruel, sick, pervs.
|"Yo - that Tweety Bird suit is whack girl!"|
|When is this style coming back? Very classy, great coverage, very hip, no?|
Last Fall our family took a vote on getting a backyard pool - there were 4 yays and 1 nay (yup- that nay was me!). Fast forward to now and the new pool is open and everyone's been in, splashing about, living it up, except me. There's been talk in the neighbourhood of pool parties, backyard fun and more. I'm now 38 and I'm a realist. Despite the very best advances in cosmetic surgery, I'm pretty confident that I'm not going to grace the cover of a swimsuit magazine any time soon so I'm going to have to suck it up, grow some confidence and rock the hell out of a bathing suit this summer. I overheard two ladies in their sixties at the gym talking to each other about their daughters in their thirties. One woman said, "I told my daughter - you have no idea how great you look until you look back 30 years later...young women need more confidence!". I know she's right. So stay tuned, because this summer I'm going to take the plunge. I'm going to force myself to repeatedly wear a bathing suit until it no longer feels weird - kind of like the way you have to make those angry goat noises during certain yoga poses...after a while it just seems normal!
Who's with me? Who's going to make 2016 the summer of dare-to-bare-in-swimwear? I am going to give a big wet soggy middle-finger to self-consciousness and dive right in this year...likely in a black one-piece with removable bathing skort...baby steps....